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"While everyone else forced an angle into their act, Hedberg stole the Montreal Festival by standing still and telling jokes."
-- Joel Stein, Time Magazine
"He really was a great comic. When you talk about voice, and how long did it take, Mitch knew almost immediately who he was and what he wanted to do on stage, and he opened for me in Sacramento at the Punch Line about ten years ago, and I said to the owner 'You know, this guy is not an opening act, he's a headliner.'"
-- Dave Attell, Recoil (Vol. 5, Issue 6)
"Next Seinfeld? Yes."
-- Joel Stein, Time Magazine
"Though Hedberg may have been hailed as the future of comedy, his material was actually closer to the kind of pure and harmless language puzzle of the 'Who's on First?' routine. His jokes were concise little logic problems."
-- Dave Anderson, Slate magazine
"But the standout hometown achievement belonged to St. Paul-born writer-director-producer-actor Mitch Hedberg, whose Clerks-like comedy Los Enchiladas! screened three times as part of Sundance's 'Park City at Midnight' series."
-- City Pages, "Get Up, Stand Up"
"He had a unique delivery, almost Zen-like, and he was one of the most of prolific writers I've met."
-- Dave Attell
"Young comedians are always trying to ape someone else. Even when they're good you can always tell where their influence was. 'This guy is doing a Seinfeld with a twist.' 'That guy is doing Sam Kinison toned down a notch.' And then you see someone like Mitch, and it's like his brain was put in backwards."
-- Conan O'Brien
"I was considering music for a while, but I couldn't get the chops down. I tried to be a bass player, but I wasn't a bass player. I was just the guy who grew his hair long,"
"When I was a kid, I was really into 'SCTV,' Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I really wanted to look like Bill Murray. I thought he had a great look. Actually, before I got into comedy, I thought anyone on the 'Tonight Show' was funny."
"My act has never been about intimacy. I don't really connect with people, I kinda go into my own world onstage. It's not self- indulgent, but I don't look at the crowd that much."
From the album "Mitch All Together"
"I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, 'You sound older!'"
"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. 'Want some more homemade Sprite?' 'Not 'til you figure out what the f@%k else is in it!'"
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it."
"I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f@%ker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f@%ker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'"
"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'"
"I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said 'Fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.'"
"You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something."
"Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as s%$t."
"I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. 'What candy bar are you getting?' 'That one, and every one on the bottom row!'"
"If you find yourself lost in the woods, f@%k it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!'
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was."
"I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes."
"I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said 'it's a fight to the finish.' That's a good place to end."
"I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: 'Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.'"
From the album "Strategic Grill Locations"
"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's so busy they start a waiting list, they say, 'Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two.' And if no one answers they'll say the name again: 'Dufrane, party of two.' But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. 'Bush party of three.' Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. 'Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.'"
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"Having 3000 dollars in your front pocket is a bad situation. I was buying some ridiculous s%$t, I bought an emergency snake bite repair kit. I told my friends 'don't you even worry about snakes no more!' My friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'lay down!' An emergency snake bite repair kit is a body bag."
"I have an oscillating fan, it always looks like it's saying 'no.' So I like to ask it questions a fan would say 'no' to. 'Do you keep my hair straight?' 'Do you keep my documents in order?' 'Do you have three settings?'...Liar! My fan f@%kin' lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin s%^t!"
"My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the lights a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I'm like 'aw hold on, fellas! Lemme hold one of you.' Koala Bears are so f@%king cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We should import some, and I will apprehend one, and hold him, and pet him on the back of his head, and feed him a leaf."
From the show "Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg"
"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
"I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever."
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake."
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right.
"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."
"People who smoke cigarettes, they say 'You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. 'Hey man, you look tense.' Yeah I'm about to floss."
"I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
"I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: 'Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."
"I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?"
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