"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."
"There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season on senators."
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way."
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
"The man with the best job in the country is the vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President?'"
"I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am, but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em."
"The United States investigates everything-usually after it's dead."
"Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials."
"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
"If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world."
"Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians and I love to watch both of 'em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to the zoo or to Washington."
"If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership."