"Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"Always drink upstream from the herd."
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in."
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."
"If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned."
"There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works."
"I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy."
"America is a land of opportunity and don't ever forget it."
"The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
"Your mothers get mighty shocked at you girls nowadays, but in her day, her mother was just on the verge of sending her to reform school."
"We are always yapping about the 'Good Old Days' and how we look back and enjoy it, but I tell you there is a lot of hooey to it. There is a whole lot of all our past lives that wasn't so hot."
"I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or hard to check as a socially ambitious mother."
"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."
"My ancestors didn't come over in the Mayflower-they met the boat."
"My father was one eighth Cherokee and my mother one fourth Cherokee, which I figure makes me about an eight cigar-store Injun."
"It was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Betty [his wife] is to blame for it all. Whatever I am or have accomplished, I owe to Betty. I ain't got no sense. My wife made me what I am. In other words-local girl makes good in the city-makes good man."
"The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know."
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
"Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as none at all, but not quite."
"You shake a slogan at an American and it's just like showing a hungry dog a bone."
"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them."
"All Wrigley had was an idea. He was the first man to discover that American jaws must wag. So why not give them something to wag against?"
"The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce we could use the boulevards for children's playgrounds."
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."
"Things will get better-despite our efforts to improve them."
"I never met a man I didn't like."